15 WAYS TO KNOW IF THEY'RE THE ONE

I've noticed a trend lately in my coaching sessions: love and relationships, getting the one, is he or she the right one and keeping, growing or improving the one. I'm seeing clients at all different stages, ages and with different challenges on the love spectrum and the underlying theme is, how do I have a real, committed, connected relationship? 

“I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.” ~ Shana Abe

ARE THEY THE ONE?

Maybe you're dating or have been in a relationship for a bit and you're trying to determine if it's healthy, worth working on or if you're ready to commit to this person? People often love the idea of the person: who they sometimes are, who they could be and the loneliness they fill, but don't really love the person and how they're showing up right now.

When I ask my clients what they're looking for in a partner, they list a number of qualities, most of them personality traits: funny, smart, outgoing or they list life values, such as: loyal, hardworking and generous, and of course attributes: tall, athletic and so on. This looks like a decent list, but this isn't how you decide if he or she is the one. 

How you really decide is based on how safe you feel to be yourself and how safe you feel growing and sharing in the relationship. You decide because you 100% respect who they are right now and you feel 100% respected in return.

The other things on your list are bonus features, upgrades and sometimes deal breakers, but what you need to look for are character values - solid values that promote the two primary functions of any relationship - pleasure and growth. John Gottman is a Psychologist who runs the Love Lab and he describes it this way, "a relationship should serve dual functions, a “Den of pleasure”—for fun, companionship, sex, laughter, etc. which you as a human need…and a “Laboratory for growth." This is the ultimate place of challenge for you to be nurtured and to grow, where you inspire one another’s character development." 

A person of solid character will understand that love is an opportunity to share in this journey with joy and grace and will also weather the challenges with a curiosity and willingness to grow with you. You'll have an abundance of pleasurable times and a safe, mutually respectful connection that makes the growing pains worth it. You'll feel secure to express feelings and what you need. You'll each take responsibility for your actions and reactions and you are willing to learn just as much about yourself, as you want to learn about your partner.

“True love is supposed to make you into a better person-uplift you.” 

~ Emily Giffin

SO, HOW DO YOU KNOW IF THEY ARE THE ONE?

1. If you keep arguing about and dealing with the same issues and there's never a change or action taken to improve. Not the one.

2. You feel like a sadder, more stressed version of yourself, more often than you don't. Not the one.

3. Either one of you would have to change a ton in order to be acceptable, happy and feel safe with the other person. Not the one.

4. You start to question why there's so much wrong with you and why you're so broken. Not the one.

5. You are physically and/or emotionally abused. Definitely not the one.

6. They make you entirely responsible for their happiness and vice versa. Not the one.

7. You see patterns of behavior repeated and no matter how much they hurt you and they promise to change – they don't. Not the one.

8. When you're consistently making excuses for them, rather than bragging about them. Not the one.

9. You should not, could not or would not bring them home to Grandma. Not the one.

10.You wouldn't want your niece, best friend or brother to date a person like this person. Not the one.

11.You always feel confused, unclear and question everything about the relationship. Not the one.

12.You're losing friends and important relationships in your life. Not the one.

13.You're always worried about what they're doing when you aren't together. Not the one.

14.One or both of you is acting out, walking out or taking it out on the other person when there are challenging conversations or difficult feelings. Not the one.

15.Your life vision does not jive and important values will never match (religion, kids or no kids, Star Wars is better than Star Trek etc.) Not the one.

So in a nutshell - If you do not LOVE WHO YOU ARE with this person, they are probably not the one for you.

THE 5 MOST DANGEROUS LIES

What could happen if…

You stopped believing in lies?

“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we’re afraid.” ~Richard Bach

Lies are impeding your life. False beliefs, outdated ideas, unchallenged stories and scripts that are getting in the way of all that you say you want and most desire. These ideas become habituated responses to any new plans or goals and when left unchallenged, maintain status quo, with no chance of escape. Many of them are perpetuated in society or worn as a badge of honor: I don’t have enough time, I’m too old or it's too late and on they go. We nod in robotic agreement, consent and continue to idly peruse what are other people are doing by scrolling endlessly through Facebook. Isn’t it time we told the truth, what could happen if you were completely honest with yourself, challenged these falsehoods and told a more accurate story?

You might realize your dreams! Well, you'll certainly be a lot closer, experience more joy and curiosity in life and will have learned something and met interesting people along the way.

You will build confidence. Confidence comes from taking risks and this means feeling afraid and doing it anyway. These lies or limiting beliefs are a protective mechanism that allow us to stay safe. But they also encourage us to play smaller than we want and to resist change and to stay stuck.

Experience more day to day satisfaction and joy. Working On Purpose, with intention, with the aim of affirming your value and creating positive feelings every day comes from actively participating in doing something to reinforce what you want to believe.

HOW:

Recognize, challenge and reframe the beliefs. Beliefs are simply a thought you've had over and over again until you “convinced” yourself and lived like it were true. What if you had another, healthier, more empowering thought over and over until it was just as true? There are a handful of beliefs that I hear time and again and when their feet are put to the fire, they give in faster than you can say, mercy.

“We speak about losing our minds as if it is a bad thing. I say, lose your mind. Do it purposefully. Find out who you really are beyond your thoughts and beliefs. Lose your mind, find your soul.” ~ Vironika Tugaleva

1. I don’t have time? Really? Sometimes maybe, but as an ongoing mantra of why you cannot exercise, go to school, phone a friend, hmm... maybe time to challenge this one? If it is important to you , you will (and historically) have found time – the newest episode of Mad Men, no problemo, but 30 minutes to work on your book, too busy.

2. I don’t know enough. Sure and you never will. There is always more to learn and people who know more. Granted if you are a first year medical student, open heart surgery requires a touch more experience and knowledge, but the endless game of needing to be perfect or more experienced means we would never practice, improve, or in theory have any surgeons. I see this play out when people do not apply for the job, start a company or share what they know. Someone, somewhere will benefit – put yourself out there and see what happens.

3. I am too old or it is too late. Google people in their eighties going back to school, climbing Mount Everest, learning to read, taking up a hobby or starting a business – they are not urban myths, they exist! There may be modifications to the dream or goal, however some part of your interest and passions can be explored – the choice is yours.

4. I don’t have enough money. Maybe not all of it and not right now, but there is a starting place, a creative solution, long-term planning and support. As the saying goes, “Rome was not built in a day.”  How could you start today?

5. Success is the opposite of failure. No, no and no. As one of my instructors, Sandy Newbigging said, “In life, you either get the results you wanted or the reasons you didn’t.” Failure is feedback and information. Success is a process of adapting to this feedback, taking steps, enjoying the journey and unfolding more and more each day.

“You do not need to become courageous, but rather peel back the layers of self-protective, limiting beliefs that keep you small.” ~ Vironika Tugleva

The core beliefs under all of these falsehoods are along the vein of, I'm not good enough, I'm a failure, I'm not smart enough, other’s will be mad, nothing every works for me and so on. Wherever you're holding back, pay attention to the inner dialogue: I wish I could, I would love to but you never do. What did you tell yourself that stopped you before you even started? This is the “lie” the outdated belief, the myth -  challenge it and ask, is it true? How's this helping me? Hindering me? What could I believe instead? Start saying that over and over and taking small, consistent steps to enforce it, and watch what could happen if… you moved beyond belief!

DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN FOR A REASON?

We've all heard it and we've all uttered this well-meaning comment, everything happens for a reason. After a loss, a divorce, an illness or a missed opportunity, this gets tossed around like confetti at a wedding. I agree with the literal interpretation of this comment; there are reasons. What I do not agree with, is the idea that there is some mysterious, divine plan; a behind the scenes mechanization conspiring to make events just so. Reasons we're meant to be unaware of, creating events that are used for the purpose of cattle prodding us to make a change or to take up a cause or to encourage us to go left instead of right.


It's said to explain the unexplainable, when the reasons are so difficult to grasp or the outcome so painful that we must, as humans do, try to find and create meaning where there is none. Lose a child. Everything happens for a reason. Yes, but no matter what – the reason is not good enough. Someone is killed by a drunk driver. Everything happens for a reason. A family’s home is lost in a flood. Everything happens for a reason. Oh, but the neighbor's house was saved. Everything happens for a reason?

AN END TO THE MEANS

I simply cannot accept that there's any reason that justifies the suffering, cruelty, poverty and injustice that many people are facing. Not - you will be stronger, closer to god, find a new career path, meet your partner, move to a new home or run a marathon –NOTHING.  I truly hope the reason a child gets cancer, someone is killed by a drunk drive or that a family loses their home in a flood, isn't so that they or others can come up with a cure, champion a cause or start a charity. The reason should not be a means to an end, but sometimes it can be the end to the means. The reason something happens isn't so you will fight the fight or take up a cause. That is the result! The result of the human need to create meaning, to share what we know and to forge ahead. We get a result and we make a choice on how to respond and react based on our values, our needs and what we want in the future. Sometimes the result is change and growth, changing rules, helping each other and sometimes, it's not.

LET'S BE REASONABLE

It can be comforting to believe that events are part of an unfolding plan and that there are no mistakes or accidents. It can cause us to see others’ misfortunes, poverty and illness as part of a larger plan. It can lead us to believe that goodness begets goodness and evil will get its dues. It can lull us into a sense of, all is the way it should be or needs to be. Well, I believe individually and collectively, we either get the results we want or the reasons we don’t. Reasons are an opportunity to evolve and improve - what can we do differently, how can we adapt and what have we learned? They are not happening for us, they are happening because of us. As humankind we must not wait to understand or have it revealed, we must see reasons not as a mysterious script written in a language we cannot decipher. Instead we must change what we can, when we can. We must work diligently in the service of justice and goodness and fairness, here and now. Reasons and results must be sourced so that solutions can be found, new choices can be made and better actions can be taken. Everything happens for a reason – passive. Reasons are why everything happens – active.