Tuesday, June 27, 2017

5 SECRETS OF CONFIDENT PEOPLE

"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit” ~E.E Cummings
1. THEY CHALLENGE THE LIES

They tell the truth. They stand for it, seek it and live it. Voices of denial and voices of persecution are given equal weight, and both are dealt with swiftly and compassionately. They don't allow themselves to live in fear; they square up and take reality as it is, and as it comes.  They also don't allow themselves to become a victim of their own negative self-talk and self-limiting beliefs. They square up to that as well ; challenge it, replace it and move on.

Your Turn: See your life and yourself as you are, right now. Own and grow from it. You no longer beat yourself, changing negative self-talk and taking full responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and actions.

“It’s not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life, it’s what you whisper to yourself that has the most power!” ~Robert T. Kiosaki 

2. THEY STOP TRYING TO FIX THEMSELVES

They embrace who they are. They learn about their strengths, what energizes them and they stop trying to fix weaknesses. If your life is aggressively organized around what makes you feel good, your weaknesses become a footnote. One person’s weakness is another man’s strength - outsource, give away, give up and move on.

Your Turn: Identify when you feel your best, are in the flow and you lose track of time. Do more of this and less of the things that drain your energy. Own and live your personality – introvert, extrovert, left or right-brained; self-acceptance is one of the keys to self-confidence.

3. THEY DO NOT NEED TO PLEASE

Tuned into their values and what they need, they don't desire to win favor or approval from others by disregarding their own needs. They offer themselves generously and love to connect, but never at the expense of self-respect and self-care.

Your Turn: Know what you want, what you value and what you need: rest, honesty, fun, a phone call before they pop over? Graciously express this and live by it.



4. THEY OWN THEIR MISTAKES AND THEY ROLL WITH THEIR FAILURES

They know that mistakes are inevitable and see them as a worthwhile cost to taking risks and trying new things. They own up, apologize, make amends, learn from it and move on. Failure becomes a breeding ground for growth and fostering human compassion, not a notch on the, “look at how much I suck”, belt.

Your Turn: Take responsibility, drop the victim-hood and don't blame. What did you do? What could you have done? What did you learn? Failure isn't a reason to stop; it's a message to re-evaluate and approach in a new way. Celebrate the failures as an indication of a life challenged and well-lived.

“Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale 

5. THEY AVOID THE, I LOOK GOOD, THEREFORE I FEEL CONFIDENT TRAP

They don't base their confidence on anything external: the malleable and shift-able  such as: appearance, weight, money, relationships. Their confidence is based on excellent self-care, self-acceptance, and the recognition of their strengths and the building of their skills. They respect their bodies and care for it because of what it allows them to do and feel, and they enjoy the expression of it. Size, age or bank account balance don't erode or foster self-confidence. Instead, their self-confidence compels them to make the choices and take the actions that affirm their value and worth.

Your Turn: Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise and honor your body. Take time each day to express gratitude for what your body does for you, how it functions. Enjoy moving it, dressing it, loving with it, creating with it. Hold your head up and own it.

True self-confidence, the kind you can’t buy in a store, receive from someone else, lose enough weight to find or make enough money to attain, comes from accepting yourself, taking risks and living your life in a way that honors who you are, not who you think you should be or wish you were

Confidence comes from taking risks and seeing that you can survive and better yet – THRIVE. Self-confidence is an active state and is the acceptance of yourself and your place in the world based on who you are are, not just what you do. It is the practice of honoring, growing and supporting yourself as you journey through life. 

How can you become more confident today?


Monday, June 19, 2017

5 STEPS TO LIVING YOUR DREAM



Are you chasing a dream that doesn't belong to you? And who does it belong to? A parent, your spouse, or maybe you, from years gone by? I see this predicament quite often. It shows up as lazy and unmotivated, unsatisfied and burnt-out. This is how my clients will present themselves, “If I was just more disciplined and motivated then I would achieve x,y,z, then I will be happy.” 




It's easy to chase dreams that don't belong to us; we're fed a continuous diet of glitz and glam, celebrity and reality TV and so it goes. It can be difficult to see where our hopes and dreams lie, and where the world’s propaganda lies. It almost seems abnormal to not want it all; to not be striving constantly in the hopes of reaching the pinnacle of all that is, as determined by others. But I don't want that, just to want that, and I hope, neither do you. What if your dream became aligned with what you really long to experience and feel and embrace each day?

Well for starters, you might take steps, follow-through and find energy you didn't know you had. You might enjoy going to work and learning and taking risks. You might feel more connected to yourself and in-love with who you are and the life you are living. You might feel more purposeful and inspired and you might begin to live the dream, here and now.


“If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all.” ~ Anna Quindlen

HERE'S HOW YOU DO IT:
     
 1. THINK WITH THE END IN MIND: This is your life and eventually, it'll come to an end. Other’s ideas can be a resource, but it'll be you that lives the consequences of your choices, each and every day. What do you want to be able to say about your life? What do you want to feel and experience?

HOW: Write your eulogy. If you were to describe your life, what would you most want to say about it? Of what were you most proud and satisfied? What brought you great joy? How did you handle difficulty and challenges?

2. INCREASE SELF-AWARENESS: Get to know yourself, what makes you tick, what you like, what is getting in the way. Play with ideas, try and experiment.

HOW: Have fun, try new things, and revisit childhood interest and hopes. Emulate others whose lives you admire. And for the love all that is, turn off, unplug and get quiet long enough to hear the answer.

3. EXCUSE YOU: Pay attention to excuses. Where there's an abundance of excuses, there's usually a deep desire, married with fear, which results in inaction. Tricky little buggers - excuses. Change your beliefs, challenge them and recognize them for what they are.

HOW: Take responsibly for your life. Recognize excuses as fear and not the truth. Get support, create structure and follow a plan to move you towards your goals and dreams. Get assistance and learn how to handle the voices that want you stay comfortable and locked into old patterns. 

4. CREATE BOUNDARIES: Yes, all your sisters are teachers, your brother is saving the world and so and so next door is writing novel. Bravo to them and hopefully it's purpose creating and life enhancing, for them … but when Mom and Grandma and best friend, insist that they know what you should be doing, criticize your choices or beg you to “give it a try” when it's clear that you can talk to children about as well as can speak Italian or you're just trying to save yourself and writing a grocery list is a feat, then their suggestions must be quelled once and for all.

HOW: Speak your mind, share your truth and thank them for caring. Do it often and be consistent with repeat offenders. You must stand up for you, so that your dream is given a voice and a place of honor.  
   
5. TAKE ACTION: Dreaming can only take you so far. Take a step, a leap and make a stand. Do it consistently and then change course, adapt and reevaluate as needed, but keep moving. 

HOW: Create the vision, feel it and believe it, but remain present because your future, your dream, is happening here and now and exists in every choice you commit to, every boundary you create and every action you take -  today.


Monday, June 05, 2017

15 WAYS TO KNOW IF THEY'RE THE ONE




I've noticed a trend lately in my coaching sessions: love and relationships, getting the one, is he or she the right one and keeping, growing or improving the one. I'm seeing clients at all different stages, ages and with different challenges on the love spectrum and the underlying theme is, how do I have a real, committed, connected relationship? 




I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.” ~ Shana Abe


ARE THEY THE ONE?

Maybe you're dating or have been in a relationship for a bit and you're trying to determine if it's healthy, worth working on or if you're ready to commit to this person? People often love the idea of the person: who they sometimes are, who they could be and the loneliness they fill, but don't really love the person and how they're showing up right now.

When I ask my clients what they're looking for in a partner, they list a number of qualities, most of them personality traits: funny, smart, outgoing or they list life values, such as: loyal, hardworking and generous, and of course attributes: tall, athletic and so on. This looks like a decent list, but this isn't how you decide if he or she is the one. 

How you really decide is based on how safe you feel to be yourself and how safe you feel growing and sharing in the relationship. You decide because you 100% respect who they are right now and you feel 100% respected in return.

The other things on your list are bonus features, upgrades and sometimes deal breakers, but what you need to look for are character values - solid values that promote the two primary functions of any relationship - pleasure and growth. John Gottman is a Psychologist who runs the Love Lab and he describes it this way, "a relationship should serve dual functions, a “Den of pleasure”—for fun, companionship, sex, laughter, etc. which you as a human need…and a “Laboratory for growth." This is the ultimate place of challenge for you to be nurtured and to grow, where you inspire one another’s character development." 

A person of solid character will understand that love is an opportunity to share in this journey with joy and grace and will also weather the challenges with a curiosity and willingness to grow with you. You'll have an abundance of pleasurable times and a safe, mutually respectful connection that makes the growing pains worth it. You'll feel secure to express feelings and what you need. You'll each take responsibility for your actions and reactions and you are willing to learn just as much about yourself, as you want to learn about your partner.

“True love is supposed to make you into a better person-uplift you.” 
~ Emily Giffin



SO, HOW DO YOU KNOW IF THEY ARE THE ONE?

1. If you keep arguing about and dealing with the same issues and there's never a change or action taken to improve. Not the one.

2. You feel like a sadder, more stressed version of yourself, more often than you don't. Not the one.

3. Either one of you would have to change a ton in order to be acceptable, happy and feel safe with the other person. Not the one.

4. You start to question why there's so much wrong with you and why you're so broken. Not the one.

5. You are physically and/or emotionally abused. Definitely not the one.

6. They make you entirely responsible for their happiness and vice versa. Not the one.

7. You see patterns of behavior repeated and no matter how much they hurt you and they promise to change – they don't. Not the one.

8. When you're consistently making excuses for them, rather than bragging about them. Not the one.

9. You should not, could not or would not bring them home to Grandma. Not the one.

10.You wouldn't want your niece, best friend or brother to date a person like this person. Not the one.

11.You always feel confused, unclear and question everything about the relationship. Not the one.

12.You're losing friends and important relationships in your life. Not the one.


13.You're always worried about what they're doing when you aren't together. Not the one.

14.One or both of you is acting out, walking out or taking it out on the other person when there are challenging conversations or difficult feelings. Not the one.

15.Your life vision does not jive and important values will never match (religion, kids or no kids, Star Wars is better than Star Trek etc.) Not the one.


So in a nutshell - If you do not LOVE WHO YOU ARE with this person, they are probably not the one for you.