“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” - Josh Billings
One of my favorite words is NO. Saying no is really the best way to say yes. This word will allow you to reclaim time, goals, relationships and excitement. I learned awhile ago that saying no can actually be one of the most selfless and kind things I can do for myself and others, yet how often have two little letters caused your head to spin, heart to beat and a plethora of emotions to issue forth?
It is possible to be generous of spirit and giving to friends and family, as well as upholding your duties at work and within your community by effectively using the word no. When clients tell me that there is never enough time in the day or they are not doing things they want to do or they feel like they are living someone else’s life, one of the first places we start is by identifying their priorities. There is only so much time in the day and only so many projects and people you can commit to. Get clear about what your priorities are, live with integrity and honor them. If saying YES causes you to spend time or energy away from your priorities, then you must say NO.
Why does this word cause you such angst? Often it is because there is a belief that saying no is selfish and your worth is tied to your willingness and ability to DO for other people. When agreeing despite risk to your own self-care, priorities and well-being is common, resentment builds and relationships are strained. What to say no to becomes clear when you pay attention to how you are feeling when a request presents itself; pit in your stomach, why me, what now, anger, etc. are all signs you need to back up and re-evaluate your response and level of commitment. Will agreeing to the request create more stress and resentment in the long run? If the answer is YES, then you must say NO!
Saying no is not humming, hawing or maybe-ing. If the requester could hear a possible yes then what you really want to say, is no. Respect yourself and respect them. Trust yourself and trust them. Healthy relationships develop from knowing that you can honor each other’s needs, boundaries and priorities. Have you ever experienced a time when you agreed to something, knowing full well you never wanted to participate? Think back to the emotions, frustration or negative energy directed towards the individual or project. Have you ever known that someone said yes to you, knowing full well that what they wanted to say was no? How did that feel to you? Did that spill into the time together or the project? If saying YES is half-hearted, done out of guilt or will result in sub par involvement, then you must say No.
What I am really wanting in my relationships and for my clients is the freedom for each of us to “spend” ourselves in the very best way we can. Your currency is time. “Spending” time out of your limited time account, without thinking about how that expenditure will affect your bottom line is irresponsible and dangerous. When I say yes I really mean it and am committed, happy and willing to partake to the best of my ability. I also want people who are agreeing to my request to believe it is the best investment of their time, in line with their priorities. Here is the thing, the more you say no to what is not right for you and drains you, the more you affirm and create a life based on what truly matters. Guaranteed that involves actively participating in the lives of the people you care about and engaging in activities which allow you to shine. Saying no is truly the best way to say yes to life. If you have been yes-ing your way through life all the while no-ing it isn’t working; you feel used, tired, worn out or dissatisfied, then you must say NO to say YES.
- John C. Maxwell
Tips for Saying No:
- Use the word no - not maybe or I don't think I can etc.
- Keep the response simple - give your reason, but do not justify or defend.
- Tell the truth - demonstrates respect for yourself and others.
- Show appreciation and gratitude for being included or provided the opportunity.
- Be prepared to repeat and clarify - if you have always been agreeable, saying no is new to you and hearing no is new for the requester.
- Know that eventually it will get easier as you become more comfortable with putting your priorities first and as others become accustomed to the new you.
1 comment:
To know who you really are and to validate that knowing you must have the courage to say no when yes does not feel right. It does take courage because we have been conditioned to give of ourselves fully while sacrificing who we are. In the end we only have bitterness. We blame everyone for the life we have given up when the truth is we didn't have the confidence or self love to just say no. Thanks for the tips. It is great to have tools to use when making such bold moves in loving yourself enough to stand true to who you are.
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