REAL LOVE

MYTH #8: I’LL LOVE YOU IF . . .

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” - Paulo Coelho

I wanted to address another aspect of love and expand a bit on the concept of unconditional love. What does that look like in you relationships? Real love does not necessarily mean approving, agreeing or even liking someone. Real love is the extension of respect and the placement of value on another person despite differences. It is embracing individuality, all the while understanding the human need for connection. Obviously in marriages and friendships you generally like the person, however you may not always be of the same mind, you may not always give each other what it is you need or want. A lot of the problems in “love” relationships come from the fact that in the beginning, during the “cocaine brain,” it is easy and fulfilling and okay to continuously give in to and adapt to the other person. Your needs become their needs and vice versa. There is a desire for “oneness” physically and a willingness and desire for “oneness” emotionally and intellectually. It is soon forgotten that there are two individuals, with their own lives, thoughts and beliefs, desires and needs, hopes and dreams.

"To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness." - Robert Brault

LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDS

As the length of the relationship grows there can be a lot of energy expended in the attempt to control or manipulate or coerce the other person into giving you what you want and need. You may neglect meeting your own needs and wants, forgetting to live your life. This entanglement has led to give and take, compromise and the goal of getting what you want out of the relationship. This is not the definition of real love. Where there are conditions placed on love; if you do not or if you do, then I will or will not love you, resentments build and the trust in the relationship disintegrates. Ultimately both sides of the partnership lose. Real love is wanting for the other person without wondering what is in it for you. You have learned this approach to love from early childhood conditioning that taught being good, listening, getting great marks and behaving appropriately would be rewarded with love, appreciation, gifts etc. When you open yourself to real love and are willing to value other people, flaws and all, you also begin to receive love differently. It is a lot of pressure and exhausting to have to live up to, satisfy and fulfill other people’s needs in order to obtain love. It is scary and overwhelming to admit your partner’s individuality when you rely on them for your happiness and joy. Give love and kindness and support without expectation, exception or exclusion.

CHALLENGE THE MYTH

Know yourself. Take responsibility for yourself. Love yourself by accepting and embracing who you are. Extend unconditional love to your husband, wife, friends, family and the world around you, because only you can be 100% responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. Watch your relationships transform and intimacy increase when you begin to love without restriction. Witness how needs are met and connection increases when the uniqueness of each person is revered.

If you would like to learn how to really love yourself and others, please contact me at, onpurposelifecoaching@hotmail.com