Let It Go...

HOW DO I FORGIVE?

“If you want to fly, you have got to give up the shit that weighs you down.”

– Toni Morrison

I have covered forgiveness before but the question is not why to forgive, it is always how. How do you forgive someone of sometimes unspeakable crimes? How do you move on and let go of the past? Most people agree that it is essential, that forgiveness ultimately benefits the forgiver and does not excuse bad behavior, but the how is where we get tripped up. We want apologies, explanations and justifications. We want to feel better, to be right and to have it make sense. We read books, go on retreats and talk to friends, therapists and life coaches. You may have been attempting to find a “magic pill” that is easier to swallow than this: You decide. You decide that you want to take full responsibility for your life. You decide that you no longer want an excuse, a story or a reason that things are not how they should be. Decide that you would like to live in the here and now and release the grip the event or person has had on you. Decide that it has not benefited you thus far to ruminate, blame or persecute. Decide that is time to leave the past in the past. Decide to just let it go.

“You can’t reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday’s junk. – Louise Smith

When you are not forgiving, you are often blaming and blaming can allow you cower from your life, to justify your situation and to avoid making the necessary changes you need to make in order to live the life you desire. Forgiveness is about deciding that you are ready to take over the reins, no holds barred and to lead your life. It means you no longer say, It is because of them or this or that that I am this way, that I am unhappy, that I treat people as such, and on and on. It takes courage to forgive and it takes even more courage to own your life, your thoughts, your beliefs, your reactions and your outcomes. Never have I seen more courage than when a client makes a conscious decision to forgive and to let go of the past. This is where the most profound shift also takes place – you are not your past and you are not at the mercy of others. You are that which you choose to focus on and what you choose to believe in the here and now. Your future is waiting. What will you focus on? For that is what you will create. Will you focus on possibility rather than persecution, compassion rather than condemnation, freedom rather than fighting? It is up to you to decide. You may not have had a choice in the past, but you do now. Will you take it?

A LIFE LESSON

“A wise man sat in the audience and cracked a joke. Everybody laughs like crazy. After a moment, he cracked the same joke again. This time, less people laughed. He cracked the same joke again and again. When there was no laughter in the crowd, he smiled and said, ‘You can’t laugh at the same joke again and again, but why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again?’ “- Unknown

HOW TO LET GO:

1. Forgiveness is for you.
2. Forgiveness does not condone mistreatment.
3. Forgiveness does not mean you will allow someone to continue to treat you badly.
4. Forgiveness does not have to be asked for to be given.
5. Forgiveness does not have to be shared with the individual you are forgiving.
6. Writing in a journal and/or talking to someone can help – release the feelings and gain perspective. Get support.
7. What has not forgiving done for you?
8. What would deciding to forgive do for you?
9. Decide to let it go. Be kind to yourself – some things can be harder to let go.
10. Write and or say to yourself:

I have decided to forgive:

I forgive you for:

I am doing this because I am ready to own my life.

What you did or did not do made me feel:

It has caused me to:

I forgive you so that I may experience and feel this in my life:

I live for today.

And one last most essential thing – you may not feel different and you may not believe it. That comes from repetitively challenging your thoughts whenever the past resentment creeps in. Empower yourself by affirming that you have let it go and you are taking responsibility. As soon as you hear blame or resentment towards another for your lot in life, repeat the forgiveness and focus on something positive in the present.

If you would like support in letting the past go, please contact me at, onpurposelifecoaching@hotmail.com