Nothing Personal But...

HOW CAN I STOP TAKING EVERYTHING SO PERSONALLY?

“Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” - Don Miguel Ruiz

This question is common and the philosophy behind the answer has less to do with the other person or event and more to do with your interpretation of that which you deem personal. You need self-awareness and quite often a sense of humor in order to embrace this concept and it also means, and I say this with love, an understanding that you are not the centre of the world. Oh, and by the way, do not take that personally. We tend to overestimate the amount of time and energy that other people are actually thinking about or concerned with us. People live from their own perceptions; their specific and unique way of viewing the world and the people around them. I have spoken to clients, who when they were not invited to a party, assumed it was because they did something wrong or when the boss did not recognize them for good work on a project, it is because they did not like it. Interpreting these events as personal led to stress. They did not allow themselves to think that the invitation to the party did not come because it was only for family members or that the boss simply forgot because of his own health concerns and he was distracted. Finding this out later was an eye opener; they had worried and analyzed and it never was about them. This type of self-absorption and insecurity leads to inaccurate hypotheses and ultimately stress.

I HOPE YOU DON’T MIND ME SAYING?

It does not mean that what or how someone says or does something will never cause you to personally feel hurt or angry or disappointed. It also does not mean that you should condone bad behavior or mean-spiritedness or abuse. It simply means that you are able to really listen, absorb and understand what is being directed at you and to see it for what it is. There is nothing that is ever truly personal; how it “personally” feels does not mean it is actually about you. As in the examples above, taking things personally leads to inaccurate assumptions; you are not good enough, loved, understood or others are mean or unkind. It closes communication and results in negative emotional tension. Learning to approach disagreement, opinions, discord, comments, suggestions and even insults and criticism as a learning opportunity, rather than a place to defend or lick your wounds, will enrich relationships and ultimately allow you to experience more joy. Most often what is said or done to you by another person is their own issue or perception and if you can recognize that as a truth you will be better able to stay in the moment and respond accordingly. For instance, if your boss is giving you feedback, you will listen better and absorb the advice or recommendation and not see it as an insult or feel personally affronted. If someone is name calling and being aggressive you will know that you have a right to create a boundary and let them know how that makes you feel and that you would like it to stop. If someone is venting to you or seems to be overreacting, you will not automatically feel you did something wrong. And in the same vein when a person tells you how much they love your necklace or sweater, you will appreciate it, but recognize that; yes, that too is their own perception or viewpoint! One of the ways to become stronger and more adept with this concept is to start to pay attention to the judgments and suggestions and compliments you lavish on others. You will begin to see that it is about you and your preferences, experiences and ideas.

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL…

We can be invaluable to each other’s growth, by seeing and sometimes discovering ourselves through the eyes of another; our own issues, limitations, beliefs and challenges are often mirrored back to us and can point to changes or modifications that we need to make. But remember nobody knows you like you know yourself. One way to ensure that you feel justified in personalizing other’s thoughts or actions, especially the negative, is to collude and share and perpetuate the stories by gossiping and replaying the event. Many of your relationships are based on common dislikes or likes and rely on the consistent, albeit, often unhelpful dramatization of the ways you have been wronged and offended. When you are able to ignore the high that comes from persecuting a common enemy, you will have achieved emotional maturity and taken full personal responsibility. It requires commitment but demonstrates the highest level of evolution to stop doing it; but stop you must. Collaboration only feeds the illusion that things are personal and the prospect of learning about how to handle your thoughts and feelings in the future becomes quiescent. The opinions, actions and even mistreatment garnered by others does have personal relevance; a chance for learning, growing and developing. You can stop taking things personally by acknowledging that we are all living from our own viewpoint and by taking personal responsibility for your interpretation, reactions and feelings and ultimately your part in the experience. Rather than belittling, berating or bemoaning yourself or others, you stand outside of the situation as a way to better understand.