“If you want to know how to live your life, think about what you’d like people to say about you after you die. And live backwards.” - Anonymous
An Australian nurse named Bronnie Ware has recorded the most common regrets of the dying. After years of working in palliative care and with many patients she created the top five regrets expressed by those about to pass away. What would your biggest regret be? Fast forward and see yourself dying. Thinking about the inevitability of death need not be morbid or overly dramatic; it is simply a call to look deeply at the life you are living now. It is the realization that this experience, in this exact form, will not last forever. Your consciousness and essence will continue, however the loose ends, lessons and relationships are best taken care of in the here and now, for the sake of the joy and purpose you desire. It is by embracing the end, that you can make a new beginning.
Take a minute to ponder each of these regrets. Examine your life and source your feelings to find the inspiration to begin to live from a place of meaning and purpose.
• The number one regret is, “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” What are you settling for, accommodating on or giving up, in the endless and futile aim of pleasing others? What dreams or goals are going unfulfilled? What step could you take? What new thought could you think to change that?
“As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are
the things you didn't do.” ~Zachary Scott
the things you didn't do.” ~Zachary Scott
• The second regret is, “I wish I had not worked so hard.” This regret was more widely expressed by men, as the generation she interviewed represented a time when most women worked solely in the home. They expressed a deep sadness over the fact that they had chosen their career over their families. In what ways could you simplify your life? Slow down? Make more time for the people and activities that mean most to you? What do you value?
“Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live.” ~Margaret Fuller
• Number three is, “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.” Where are you holding in or holding back? What do you deny yourself? What need? What dream? What is the cost of only revealing partial truths or veiled feelings? The cost is disconnect, resentment and even illness as negative emotions fester and grow. Where could you stop keeping the peace in order to be at peace?
“If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?” ~Stephen Levine
• The fourth regret is, “I wish I would have stayed in touch with my friends.” Over and over we hear studies of how important this is. The benefits for health and well-being to foster close relationships and make time for the connection that only friendships provide. The need to share and love and laugh with each other is a fundamental need and must be nurtured. Who could you reconnect with? Or what could you do to bring more friendship into your life?
• The fifth most common regret is,”I wish that I would’ve allowed myself to be happier, smiling more and complaining less.” Happiness is a choice and unfortunately many people do not figure this out until the end is near, when it seems easy to relish in the simplest of pleasures. If you knew that happiness is a choice then the first few regrets would probably cease to exist. You would not be hinging your life's contentment and joy on other’s approval, keeping the peace, attaining only external success and fulfillment. Where are you blocking the flow of joy and peace and balance? What thoughts? What beliefs? What attitude is preventing the appreciation of your life and reclamation of your ability to choose?
“You live longer once you realize that any time spent being unhappy is wasted.”
~Ruth E. Renkl
There is energy to be gained by thinking about that which you do not want to regret. Over and over the stories from those on their deathbed is the examination of whether their lives contained meaning and purpose. What will your legacy be? Will you leave those you were with on this journey the better for knowing you? Did you connect and care? Thinking about dying can sharpen focus and make choices immediate. When standing in the presence of death it seems pointless to delay and to wait and to wonder as time is a commodity best not wasted. Thinking about dying could be the most alive, life affirming and poignant thing you do.
TAKE ACTION:
1. Write your obituary – what do you want to be remembered for? How do you want people to feel about you and describe you?
2. What shoulds can you drop? I should do this or that? What choices are you making to attain approval from others, even though you are unhappy or resentful about it?
3. Who do you need to forgive? Clear the air with? Express your love or needs or fears to?
4. What friend can you call today? Make a plan with? Do you need to make new friends and expand your circle? What can you do? Avoid relying on social media as a form of connection – voice to voice or face-to-face is necessary.
5. What can you be grateful for today? What simple pleasures or activities could you add in order to feel more at peace? Alive? Joyful?
“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.” ~Diane Ackerman
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