REAL LOVE

"A man who loves himself takes the first step towards real love."~ Osho

February is the month for love or so say the peddlers of cards, chocolates and all things adorned in red and plastered with hearts. Love is often a very subjective and confusing experience and shows up in different forms and expressions. Ask people to define love and you will get an array of answers. It is defined by dictionary.com as, “a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person, a sexual passion or desire, a feeling of warm, personal attachment or deep affection.” The word love is generally used to describe the feelings or emotions that are evoked by another person. People also categorize the many types of love: passionate, romantic, infatuation, paternal, maternal, brotherly, young and on and on. Having worked with many couples, it is unconditional and real love, that fosters joy, trust and deeper satisfaction. It is moving away from the notion of romantic infatuation and self-sacrificing love to an unrestricted honoring of ourselves and in turn others. This is what most of us yearn for; a love that is tangible and recognizable as a force, a space and a place to foster the very best in ourselves and each other. It is a clear message; no ambiguous meaning and no veiled expectations. It is clear; you are welcome, seen and valued. This love, this way of being, is fully contingent on knowing, respecting and caring for yourself, so as not to need another, rely on another or expect another to fill your life or to make you happy.

“In real love you want the other person's good.

In romantic love you want the other person.” ~ Margaret Anderson

A LOVE SONG?

What would the poets, screenwriters and songwriters do with this bit of information? Remember that number one hit from Peggy Lee: “I must follow him ever since he touched my hand I knew/that near him I always must be/ and nothing can keep him from me/ he is my destiny” or the chart topping Bryan Adam's song, “Everything I do, I do it for you.” Man, this is a life coaching red flag and we should call the police on Sting as this song screams stalker, “Every breath you take/every move you make/every bond you break/every step you take/I'll be watching you.” Most assuredly written in the initial stages of infatuation, when emotions are running high, these lyrics are referencing the emotional fix that people receive from each other. This type of love cannot be sustained, is generally not healthy and always leaves a person wanting.

 

“Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood.” ~Karen Casey

AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF…

Imagine loving yourself and demonstrating this in thoughts, actions and deeds, consistently. Imagine that you do not need another person, but simply desire to know them and to be part of their journey. Imagine a place where you want for another person, what they want for themselves – even if you do not agree or benefit. Imagine a mutually respectful love that gives freely without expectation. My hope for you is that your relationships are one where each person can live without each other, fully capable of meeting their own needs, asking for what they want and handling the landscape of their own emotional reactions. This love is not about doing or being everything for someone else, but doing everything you can to honor that which you are and by extension, honoring the humanness in those you are connecting to. It is not the morphing of individuals, but the magnification and expansion of each person's life. Love is not owing, it is not a definition, it is not a feeling, it is not even a commitment - love is a state of reverence for life and for all living things. When given and experienced freely it grows. This is a real love because it is one that can end, because it embraces change and because it has no unhealthy expectations or grandiose proclamations of saving, rescuing or completing. Real love is what I hope you will commit to, celebrate and nurture all year long.