HINDSIGHT AND REGRET

‘Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest.

To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
~ Henry David Thoreau

So the first step in using hindsight in a purposeful way was to, not use it. The second step is to use it in order understand the heart of what you have lost and what you were hoping to gain. Use it to understand why you feel regret and why you wish you could go back and change something. Regret is the catalyst for hindsight and when applied intentionally can be awareness building, wisdom increasing and life enhancing. In the cases of big hurts and wrongdoing, hindsight used as punishment for your choices and transgressions towards others, is the wearing of guilt without the courage to accept responsibility and move forward. No amount of looking back and wishing will set it right. Hindsight when used to avoid the present is an assault on your future. Regret and hindsight therefore, are only useful when they create accountability for our actions towards ourselves, others and society as a whole and encourage us to make amends and learn from the past.

NO REGRETS?

We often hear the proclamation - no regrets! This is meant to inspire us and is a call for us to live our lives fully; to not allow ourselves to be stopped by fear and to take a chance. The thing is, there will always be paths not taken, mis-takes made and challenges to face. Of course we regret things - we say things we wish we hadn’t, we make a choice we wish we could take back; we put our foot in our mouth and we make an unfortunate decision to wear lime green in a family photo. To say that you should never regret again is unrealistic and essentially, unwise. Life will always contain some regret -small regrets like: Why did I wear this? To the big regrets where we hurt others or ourselves. It is the human condition to measure choices against consequences and wonder... 

REGRET'S GIFT

But what are we wondering about? We are wondering if the path not taken, that thing said or not said would make life better, now. Would we feel better? Happier? More fulfilled if we had walked a different way? A lot of the pain that comes with regret is the feeling that you've lost, or that you've been denied, something that you really wanted. However, the essence of your dream can still be yours. You can find it again and when regret is applied in this way, purposefully, it is in the service of understanding what you wanted to gain. What feeling? How were you hoping that choice would add value to your life? You may never get the job back, take the other path, re-do a conversation and so on, but it is possible to understand what you were hoping to attain from the choice and to learn from it. Regret is an opportunity and when used with compassion and clarity can be a catalyst for change. Using hindsight in this way and asking these questions, means that regret will be used, not abused and the essence of what you lost can be found. 

“This is the book I never read ~~ These are the words I never said ~~ This is the path I'll never tread ~~ These are the dreams I'll dream instead” ~Annie Lennox

ASK YOURSELF:

What did I want to feel?

What feelings am I missing out on as a result of the event that I regret?

Feelings of security from a new job – better pay?

Love and adoration from a significant other?

More respect from my peers?

Once you have used hindsight to ask yourself these questions in relation to your regret, begin to think about how you can create that feeling and experience now. The specific way that you tried to fulfill this feeling in the past may not have worked out, but you can begin to choose other ways to initiate these emotions in the present.

NEXT STEP

In the next post we will explore how to use hindsight to make better decisions in the present and for your future. Stay tuned…