Famous Self-Help Lies

In this next series of blogs I want to explore self-development myths. The watered down and often completely wrong messages that are perpetuated by self-help authors, coaches, speakers and so on. At some point it is safe to say, I have studied, experimented with and challenged most of what is out there. Even more importantly, I have worked with clients, who when they were determined to make changes, have jumped on one of these bandwagons, only to feel like they have failed and cannot be helped when the desired outcome was not achieved. Like all good myths, there is usually a nugget of truth in it, but it has been covered, re-packaged, reduced and re-engineered for the mass markets. I want to get to the nugget and explore what can really make a difference. Here we go:

MYTH # 1: POSITIVE THINKING AND AFFIRMATIONS

Eeks, clients who work with me, know that this is not a philosophy I endorse.  At first glance the merits of this approach are hard to argue, but affirmations and silver lining thinking can actually be counter-productive. In my experience all emotions, including the negative ones are messages that need to be heeded, not glossed over. Positive thinking them away is akin to putting a bandage over a festering wound without cleaning it out first. Many times clients, through no fault of their own, will interpret us reframing a situation as positive thinking and will say to me “I was trying to be positive all week, but it didn’t work.” I take full responsibility as their life coach for not demonstrating and explaining the important difference between positive thinking and reframing. Here is an example: Maybe you just found out you have a big bill to pay, unexpected. Disempowered thinking would be: “This always happens to me, I never make enough money and I am such a failure.” Positive thinking: “Money always shows up just when I need it. God or The Universe will provide.”  Reframing:  “As much as I do not like it, I have handled this type of thing before and I know I can create a solution.”  

THE NUGGET: Optimism and reframing are helpful. This means that you have a certain resilience and belief that eventually things will work out (maybe not always the way you hoped!) and that you can make a shift or change and can take actions that will make a difference (optimism). You choose to look at what you can learn, what the message is, what support is available and the actions you can take in order to make a more empowered choice (reframing).  You may or may not feel positive or talk positively, but that does not mean your self-talk is negative or self-flagellating. It a language of learning, choice and action. Positive thinking is often passive, while reframing is active.

MYTH # 2 : LAW OF ATTRACTION

Listen, I too wanted to be let in on The Secret – who didn’t? Picture what you want, feel what it will feel like to have it or experience it, and viola, like an Amazon drone, your package arrives. I have had so many clients come to see me frustrated because they have been vision boarding, chanting and writing out their goals and their dreams, with little, make that, no results. They believed they must not have wanted it or felt it bad enough. The idea that what we think about and put our emotions behind will manifest our desires, has definitely been one of those watered down philosophies, that I have literally seen make people sell the farm  and then lose it all in the service of a vision board and the Law of Attraction.

THE NUGGET: Having a dream and a vision - good.  Understanding the feelings you want the dream to give you and then experiencing more of that day-to-day – also good. Having specific goals and achievables – super. Having little to no action - not good. Lacking consistency -  also a problem. Having a belief system or personal foundation that causes you to sabotage and feel stuck- a real challenge. Not knowing your personal values and strengths and capabilities and working with those – detrimental.

A vision board is like a good GPS system it can help you to see the destination and to pick a path, but you still have to prep the car, fuel it up, drive the car, pay attention to the road, handle weather changes and take detours as needed. It is really simple, what we command the brain to pay attention to it will. So, if you create a vision and use it as guidance, that can be helpful but as the driver of the car you are responsible for getting you there. Vision boarding and waiting for the magic genie – passive. Goal setting based on values and self-awareness and then taking consistent action – active.

I would love to hear if you agree or disagree and if there are any other self-help myths you hear all the time, that you want me to explore. Please share in the comments below. 

Next week, I will be tackling two more: Follow Your Bliss and We All Have A Purpose. See you then.