MYTH#8: ROMANTIC LOVE“In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love, you want the other person.”
-Margaret Anderson
If you have ever been in love with being in love or disappointed when a romantic relationship has “lost its spark”, you may have or may be experiencing withdrawal from romantic love. What you are now face to face with is a choice; a choice to love in a real way. Love beyond passion, endorphins and hormones; real love and connection. Romantic love is an invention of Western culture and as a society we push it, peddle it and endorse it at every turn. We are addicted to it and obsessed by it. Our movies are spilling over with examples of “love” and the prevailing message is that happiness and the ability to live a fulfilled life requires romantic love. We love being in love, falling in love and the all-consuming notion of love. According to anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher romantic love is “one of the most addictive substances on earth,” with the same qualities of many addictions, including obsession, craving and distortion of reality. A whole flood of hormones and endorphins are released and essentially we experience a “high." This high is akin to being on cocaine. The area of the brain which is triggered by cocaine use is also triggered when we are in the beginning stages of romantic love. Is it any surprise that people are addicted? It is time to let go of this myth in favor of cultivating stronger marriages and partnerships, friendships and overall healthier relationships. It is time to put love back in the equation.
LOVE IS LOVE'S REWARD
Romantic love in the initial stages can be an important part of the experience, but that only goes so far and the “high” only last so long. Eventually you crash and “being in love” needs to be replaced with loving each other. Romantic love is really all about passion and you seeing yourself through the eyes of another and it can be intoxicating; “You complete me and without you I am nothing, and my life did not have meaning until you came along” and on and on. This propaganda, although a box office draw, is a confusing and I would even dare to say, a destructive. Marriages are failing and many people are flailing. It is time to understand that romantic love is not a relationship – it is drama, and lust, and addiction and all consuming, it is abandonment and it is fun – for awhile. Many times an individual has told me that the spark is gone, the magic has left the building and they do not feel the same, to which I reply, good! Do not misunderstand, I like romance and I enjoy a good love story. I am grateful to have my own nineteen year love story. I feel passionately towards my husband and my heart still skips a beat from time to time, however we are two people living our lives, independently committed to each other – not dependently addicted to each other. What has happened is the cocaine brain has been replaced with a better understanding of myself in relationship with my husband. I have come to take greater responsibility for my own happiness, success and shortcomings and he does the same. We prop, encourage and endorse each other’s strengths, minimize the weaknesses and see the individuals we were and are becoming. I have no illusions of him being my all, and frankly I am relieved that he places no such pressure on me. The act of loving versus being in love is the ongoing relationship with yourself manifest in the world and to the people around you. It is the ability to care for and nurture yourself and results in the extending of unconditional care and compassion to another. Love without exception and restriction, not withheld or bargained. Leave that to the movies, books and songs and instead embrace the beauty, richness and fullness that can be experienced when you first love yourself and then unconditionally give to others.
Romantic love in the initial stages can be an important part of the experience, but that only goes so far and the “high” only last so long. Eventually you crash and “being in love” needs to be replaced with loving each other. Romantic love is really all about passion and you seeing yourself through the eyes of another and it can be intoxicating; “You complete me and without you I am nothing, and my life did not have meaning until you came along” and on and on. This propaganda, although a box office draw, is a confusing and I would even dare to say, a destructive. Marriages are failing and many people are flailing. It is time to understand that romantic love is not a relationship – it is drama, and lust, and addiction and all consuming, it is abandonment and it is fun – for awhile. Many times an individual has told me that the spark is gone, the magic has left the building and they do not feel the same, to which I reply, good! Do not misunderstand, I like romance and I enjoy a good love story. I am grateful to have my own nineteen year love story. I feel passionately towards my husband and my heart still skips a beat from time to time, however we are two people living our lives, independently committed to each other – not dependently addicted to each other. What has happened is the cocaine brain has been replaced with a better understanding of myself in relationship with my husband. I have come to take greater responsibility for my own happiness, success and shortcomings and he does the same. We prop, encourage and endorse each other’s strengths, minimize the weaknesses and see the individuals we were and are becoming. I have no illusions of him being my all, and frankly I am relieved that he places no such pressure on me. The act of loving versus being in love is the ongoing relationship with yourself manifest in the world and to the people around you. It is the ability to care for and nurture yourself and results in the extending of unconditional care and compassion to another. Love without exception and restriction, not withheld or bargained. Leave that to the movies, books and songs and instead embrace the beauty, richness and fullness that can be experienced when you first love yourself and then unconditionally give to others.
CHALLENGE THE MYTH
In order to truly love another you must love yourself. But what does that mean? It means to understand who you are and to meet you own needs, honor your own values and take full responsibility for your own happiness and joy. Real love is appreciating and recognizing each individual’s value versus romantic love which is the continual desire to be valued. Relationships of any kind cannot be sustained by the notion of romantic love, but instead by the enduring commitment to “see” each other.
1 comment:
Great blog. I heard years ago that love is an action and lust is an emotion. Once we get past as you put it the "addiction" our actions will speak louder then words.
Looking forward to your next blog.
Post a Comment