ON APPROVAL

“He who seeks for applause only from without has all his happiness in another's keeping.”
~ Oliver Goldsmith

Do you see me? Am I okay? Lovable? Smart? Funny? Beautiful? It is this seeking, this external need for recognition that many are craving. When you are seeking love, needing love in a certain way, quite often what you really need is the validation that it or ultimately others provide. This is often one of the four core needs, much like water or food we all have emotional needs that we must satisfy in order to function healthily and happily. Validation and appreciation are high on most people’s list of core emotional needs. Feeling approved of and valued helps to fill this need and all of us desire this. Whether it is recognition from the boss, a compliment from a spouse or a singer getting applause from their fans, it is natural to seek this from others.

SEAL OF APPROVAL

The challenge is to not become or remain dependent on the external reinforcement of your value, but to develop a strong foundation of personal esteem, confidence and approval. You are living in a particularly vulnerable and uncomfortable state, when you are reliant on others for a sense of self-worth. You can be easily upset and affected by things, comments and people you have little control over. If you remain dependent on external factors to feel approved of, then you will always be emotionally vulnerable. This is where NEEDINESS comes from, as you will put up with behaviors, cling to and accept in order to continue to fill the need of approval.

"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval." ~Mark Twain

100% APPROVAL RATING?

So, what is the deal with this approval seeking, people pleasing mentality? Why so common? Why so essential? Well, the driving factor is a need profoundly important for people. No, it is not love, as love is the ultimate expression of approval. It security and safety and this is a universal, undying need and fuels much of the human behavior around the world, both good and bad. Your behavior is driven by the desire and ability to meet not only your physical need for safety but your emotional need for safety as well. You learn, from a young age, that approval comes from your parents and teachers and people around you. This makes you feel safe and secure. You begin to associate your self-worth and value, with receiving approval and love and this in turn makes you feel secure. If you receive positive reinforcement and practice healthy appreciation and recognition you will develop confidence and thrive. However, as you get older there needs to be a fundamental shift in your primary source of approval. Eventually you need to be able to rely on yourself to fill this craving for approval and love and support. You can appreciate and enjoy it from others; however your very happiness and joy should not be dependent on receiving it. If you do not learn how to value and honor yourself then no amount of outside love, or appreciation will be able to compensate for your internal lack of self-value and worth.

HOW TO MEET THE NEED FOR APPROVAL:

1. Be true to your values. Live your life according to what is important to you and also respectful to others. When you violate your internal sense of what is important and fair and honest, you create a feeling of disharmony and it is difficult to feel genuinely good about yourself.

2. Be truthful with yourself and others. Share your feelings, express yourself and be authentic. After a while it becomes tiring to be, do or act in ways that are not congruent with who you are. It is very difficult to really value yourself when you are not being true to yourself.

3. Avoid hypocrisy. When you desire to be treated in a certain way – respected, nurtured and so on, you must also treat others and yourself in the same way. There will be inner conflict in your nervous system and brain if what you say is important to you is not evident in your behaviors with others. There is no way to justify hypocrisy on an emotional level and this creates inner conflict.

4. Self-acknowledge. It is not arrogant to speak well to and about yourself and to validate your efforts. It is lovely to receive external approval and essentially when you hear the validation from others it reinforces your view of yourself.

 

The needs of love and approval must ultimately be met by you and is ideally supported and nurtured by others. A solid internal foundation is built on a sense of worth and confidence developed through a congruency between your thoughts and actions.