Stop Trying to Feel Good - Do Good

Life does not give you happiness – it is your contributions to it and the actions you take, that support the person you desire to be and the feelings you desire to experience. The focus on immediate gratification and the pursuit of never-ending happiness, has morphed itself into an epidemic; a misguided desire to have the world, our communities and the people around us provide for our happiness and even more so, to be the source for and the sustenance of our confidence. There is a belief that we must feel happy all the time and that it should be easy and readily available, quite often with little effort on our part. The irony is, this is exactly why so many are miserable and live in a perpetual state of anxiety. Trying to feel good all the time prevents us from doing what we need to do in order to create true confidence in ourselves and a more sustainable peace. A peace forged from taking on life’s experiences and doing what is necessary, even when we do not feel so great.

"You can't get much done in life if you only work on the days when you feel good."

~ Jerry West

GOOD JOB...

Much of it this mind frame has to do with the images and subsequent message in media that support immediate gratification: buy this and you will be super happy. The other driving factor has been the commitment to support children’s self esteem and confidence over the last thirty years or so. Unfortunately this idea has often been taken too far and has done the exact opposite. By always finding the positive, always preventing children from failing or falling and always protecting them from tough choices and harsh realities, many adults now lack the skills of personal and emotional mastery. These adults, unfamiliar with feeling disappointment or failure or regret or sadness interpret these emotions as bad and to be avoided and this creates stress,  self-flagellation and ultimately stagnation. This method of instilling self-esteem and confidence, although often genuine and sincere, means that many now lack the ability to handle adversity and strife.

 

“You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously.” ~ J. Donald Walters

AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE

As adults, there is an importance placed on doing a good job; getting things done and being proactive. Our bosses do not give us a participation ribbon because we show up at work – thirty minutes late and we should not receive ongoing praise from a spouse because we took the garbage out – whoopee – you did what needed to be done. Believing that happiness should be in never ending supply, we can cower or run as soon as things feel hard and when we do not get appreciation and praise consistently. Rather than being internally driven, we are externally motivated and when this need for reassurance falters, we falter and confidence fades further. When we are geared this way we become dependent on others, our jobs and so on to fill the happiness and confidence tank. This is not sustainable and will eventually wain and leave some confused -  what happened to the reward for just being? What happened to the praise for simply showing up?

“As we get past our superficial material wants and instant gratification we connect to a deeper part of ourselves, as well as to others, and the world.”

~ Judith Wright

WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE

Joy and confidence comes from making choices and taking the actions that honor our authentic desires and values and are not based on getting approval from others, but rather showing a commitment to ourselves. You know what you want; the kind of life, meaning, relationships and to make this happen you must think and act greater than you feel at times. This is where confidence emerges; from facing what was difficult and growing, doing what you did not think you could do and succeeding and choosing to find joy in each moment despite feeling uncomfortable or frustrated by change or challenge. Do and modify. Do and modify and through this process you will begin to trust and believe in yourself, no longer relying on the recognition from others. This is quality, this is lasting, this is joy and this will give you peace; created from a life dedicated to living true to yourself, in respect of others and in the service of the whole. It is amazing how confidence and joy emerge as you do good to feel good.