YOU SHOULD TALK

“Electric communication will never be a substitute for the face of someone who with their soul encourages another person to be brave and true.” ~Charles Dickens

Think about your week and think about how many person to person conversations or communications you have engaged in. How often do you participate in meaningful communication - connecting, collaborating and sharing with another person, in person? We have confused exchanging information with communicating and believe that sharing this information is connecting. With the myriad of ways in which to transmit messages – text and email and the options to share - Facebook and Twitter, we are losing the art of communication. There is a distinction between having a conversation, which is described best as, shooting the breeze – which is the casual conversation at a party or in a store and could also be used to describe Twitter and Facebook. In contrast, communicating is the attempt to give and receive information with the intent to understand, learn, connect and/or grow. Communicating is deeper and involves trust, respect and self-responsibility from the parties involved and it is a skill that is developed through practice.

LOL?

Social media outlets can be useful, business building, fun and can co-exist within a healthy society, but what happens if we do not practice the skills of speaking and listening, debating and influencing? What happens when we do not know how to express what we are feeling, form cohesive thoughts, manage our body language and respond in the moment to the messages, needs and requests of others? Whether it is in our intimate, work or casual relationships – person to person communication is necessary at every stage, in very way. There is real danger in relying heavily on electronic, high-speed, exchanges. I was in a store the other day and made a light comment, meant as a joke, complete with a smile, appropriate facial expression and tone to convey a lighter mood; it landed with a thud and was met with defensiveness. Now granted, I am not the funniest person, nor was I trying to be, however it seemed to me that if I would have attached an LOL at the end of the comment it would have been received with greater appreciation.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

What is interesting is that live-action communication has always been a challenge. Talk to any marriage counsellor, parents of teenagers or an office manager and you will hear stories and frustrations abound regarding the inability to be understood, get a point across, be taken seriously and open up and so on. Having taught courses on communication, I can tell you there is much to learn. Good communication is a reflection of our own self-awareness: what we are thinking, feeling and needing. Connecting through communication means that you are interested in understanding as much as you desire to be understood. Communication means that you are willing to partner with another for a common goal – whether it is resolving a problem, expressing a need, brainstorming or getting to know each other. It means you take responsibility for your messages and your understanding of the other person’s words. It means that you are present to the moment and to the individual. When you are the listener, you are not in a rush to speak, formulate an opinion or ready a comeback. A proficient communicator is okay with the other person, being their own person, with individual thoughts and opinions, feeling and needs and you are aware of the emotions and reactions arising in you and you take ownership of them. As the speaker you are sharing what is really important, avoiding veiled meanings and hidden agendas. You are willing to risk, be vulnerable and open in order to connect on a deeper level. This is the very basis of our personal relationship and it is an art and science that must be fostered in order to grow.

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” ~ Tony Robbins

SOCIAL MEDIA?

Excellent communication comes through practice, awareness of self and others and is a talent cultivated through trial and error. When we transmit a message via electronics, it is devoid of the subtle nuances, facial expressions and tone that can create rapport, warmth, empathy and connection. We have all had the experience of a text message that did not land quite right or lacked the necessary punctuation to take it from a joke to an insult or from a statement to a question. When we are in person we learn how to dance in the moment, be present to others and think on our feet. Knowing how to deliver your message in the most respectful and unambiguous way is a proficiency honed from seeing what works and what does not. When we depend on social media and electronics we are doing little more than engaging in small talk and simply transmitting a message. We need each other and the connections we form are essential to our health and well-being and the success of our relationships depends on adeptness at communicating. It might be time to ask ourselves, what does social mean? Social as defined by dictionary.com is, “Inclined to seek out or enjoy the company of others; sociable, spent in or marked by friendly relations or companionship." What do we risk losing by putting air time between our interactions? There is no need to abandon social media as it can help connect across the miles, share ideas, pictures, events and it can be fun and informative, but let's remember that sometimes the more connected we appear, the more disconnected we can become.