15 WAYS TO KNOW IF THEY ARE...THE ONE

I have noticed a trend lately in my coaching sessions – love and relationships – getting the one, is he or she the right one and keeping, growing or improving the one. I am seeing clients at all different stages, ages and challenges on the love spectrum and the underlying theme, is how do I have a real, committed, connected relationship in my life? Sometimes they are bumped and bruised; divorce, infidelities and rejections have left them feeling unsure and protective of their hearts. Others are dating and want to know how to find the “one.” So, I have decided to tackle the relationship topic and provide information over a series of blogs, so that no matter where you are in in terms of matters of the heart, you feel ready and able to bring in, build and blossom the relationships in your life.  

“I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.” ~ Shana Abe

ARE THEY THE ONE?!...

So maybe you are dating or have been in a relationship for a bit and you are trying to determine if it is healthy, worth working on or if you are ready to commit to this person. People often love the idea of the person, who they sometimes are, who they could be and the loneliness they fill, they do not really love the person and how they are showing up right now.

When I ask my clients what they are looking for in a partner, they list a number of qualities, most of them personality traits: funny, smart, outgoing or they list life values, such as: loyal, hardworking and generous and of course attributes: tall, athletic and so on. This looks like a decent list, but this is not how you decide, if he or she is the one. How you really decide, is based on how safe you feel to be yourself and how safe you feel growing and sharing in the relationship. You decide because you 100% respect who they are right now and you feel 100% respected in return.The other things on your list are bonus features, upgrades and sometimes deal breakers but what you need to look for are character values - solid values that promote the two primary functions of any relationship - pleasure and growth. John Gottman is a Psychologist who runs the Love Lab and he describes it this way, "a relationship should serve dual functions, a “Den of pleasure”—for fun, companionship, sex, laughter, etc. which you as a human need…and a “Laboratory for growth”—the ultimate place of challenge for your soul to be nurtured to grow—where you inspire one another’s character development." A person of solid character will understand that love is an opportunity to share in this journey with joy and grace and will also weather the challenges with a curiosity and willingness to grow with you. You will have an abundance of pleasurable times and a safe, mutually respectful connection that makes the growing pains worth it. You feel secure to express feelings and what you need. You each take responsibility for your actions and reactions and are willing to learn just as much about yourself, as you want to learn about your partner.

“True love is supposed to make you into a better person-uplift you.” 

~ Emily Giffin

SO, HOW DO YOU KNOW IF THEY ARE THE ONE?

1. If you keep arguing about and dealing with the same issues and there is never a change or action taken to improve. Not the one.

2. You feel like a sadder, more stressed version of yourself, more often than you do not. Not the one.

3. Either one of you would have to change a ton in order to be acceptable, happy and feel safe with the other person. Not the one.

4. You start to question why there is so much wrong with you and why you are so broken. Not the one.

5. You are physically and/or emotionally abused. Definitely not the one.

6. They make you entirely responsible for their happiness and vice versa. Not the one.

7. You see patterns of behavior repeated and no matter how much they hurt you and they promise to change – they do not. Not the one.

8. When you are consistently making excuses for them, rather than bragging about them. Not the one.

9. You should not, could not or would not bring them home to Grandma. Not the one.

10.You would not want your niece, best friend or brother to date a person like this person. Not the one.

11.You always feel confused, unclear and question everything about the relationship. Not the one.

12.You are losing friends and important relationships in your life. Not the one.

13.You are always worried about what they are doing when you are not together. Not the one.

14.One or both of you is acting out, walking out or taking it out on the other person when there are challenging conversations or difficult feelings. Not the one.

15.Your life vision does not jive and important values will never match (religion, kids or no kids, Star Wars is better than Star Trek etc.) Not the one.

So in a nutshell - If you do not LOVE WHO YOU ARE with this person, they are probably not the one for you.